For long, my friends have heard many a tales of my unique dating encounters. Surely, one day the stories would serve their rightful purpose of a chapter in my book ' Tale of all the men I almost loved'. But this particular Essence of calm that swept by me for 2 weeks, especially culminating in a 4 hour 'Date' touched the innermost depths of my consciousness such that one can only experience in a Retreat.
Yes, it was a Retreat conducted in a super classy BMW ( I clearly don't even have an idea of the class) right in the heart of the business district in London, amidst the watchful eye of the police and others monitoring the lockdown phase 2 - Infamous Covid 19. The one who conducted the retreat, oblivious to it all himself, is indeed the protagonist of the story.
Flashback - 2 weeks - Few usual chats exchanged on an equally usual dating app translating into daily hour long conversations with this man who has perhaps done 'most of it' if not 'it all' in his life.
The hiatus started at the very beginning - When I happened to see his doppelganger with another lady just near my home, on a not so regular road, on the very same day that we exchange our first text... So I refused to believe in the unusual fate of coincidence, shortly settling down with the belief that he was a fraud and the power of almighty had enlightened me, saving me from some grief. Little did I know that true enlightenment was just on its way...
However, soon his incredible skill of talking, guiding, storytelling, showing concern and care, in addition to his soothing and sexy voice completely masked all my apprehensions on fraudulence. And what imprinted strong and clear was the incredible journey he had had in his life. I had only read about such people until then. Nita Ambani was a name from the news articles - and here was a man who was asked to assist her at an age I was just happy to get a paltry job away from home. He was this proud yet humble brown skinned man who had bagged so many awards in the 1st decade of his career that others toil their entire lifetime to get to - all of it competing with the white privileged gentry in the UK.
I would listen to him in awe, like a grown up kid amazed by the bed time tales that she could still grow up to aspire. Yes, we spoke every night before we went to bed - aint that what people trying to get romantically involved do? The only difference here was the kid(me) gazing on in amazement, mesmerised by everything he said and finding little things from my seemingly uneventful life to express my absolute coherence to his stories.
He wasn't just the one who had seen the best and the worst - one who had weathered kidnapping, struggle for food, worked as a bellboy, or knocked on doors to sell insurance for little or no pay, right through to bagging UK's young achiever award, being the blue eyed boy to the richest Indian in Britain, or being the mentor, coach and teacher in the most prestigious schools like LBS and Cambridge.
These were - as he put it, mere publicly available information on him..
So what more could make the girl drool - let's see, he loved Salsa and Spanish music as well as the old Bollywood classics, he doted on his family and the love they shared was simply infectious, he had impacted many lives, he appreciated emotional intelligence and humility more than any other attribute, his 'sweetheart' and 'darling' was honey to the ears and, lest I forget, he was an absolute romantic too. He was also the man who held women in high respect and believed in treating them not just at par but support them to make their lives simpler - reflected so simply when he wished his friend had moved his home to a location nearer his wife's job instead of letting her go through the tough ride daily.
He would also remember to give you the due importance, commitment and priority inspite of his manac schedule - because he simply knew not how to do anything half hearted.
He is indeed every girl's dream.
I was just a mere mortal who had grown up a Yash Chopra romantic, idolising about the frame of love that he perfectly fit. The icing on the cake was the lure of the doting and encouraging family that I had never witnessed for real.
Hence the most magnanimous dream I had ever dared to fool myself with. It almost felt like the manifestation of my childhood dream of marrying Rahul Dravid.
And every minute my rational self put forth these questions - Why on earth would he be interested in me? What on earth could I possibly intrigue him with? - I just chose to shut them down. It was too favorite a dream worth sleeping the extra hours for.
So I put my best foot forward, took a deep breath and dared to go on the date - my heart racing at Michael Bolt's speed.
Where people had been struggling to meet their dear ones during this lockdown - I was picked up right from my doorstep by a serene and calm, absolutely charming gentleman in a jazzy BMW ( he even let me eat in his car- that's a rare privilege he gives people).
As much as this grown up kid tried to keep from admiring and drooling over him - she couldn't force her gaze away from him while he looked away, reminiscing his life and what it had been like.
In those 4 hours, stories of every experience or life's learnings he spoke about touched multiple chords in my head and heart at the same time. There were instances from my own experience which resonated with the tough moments he had faced while there were additional explanations rendered to lots of others. Someone seemed to have pulled open the curtain to my entire life without even speaking about it - there I stood naked to my own emotions, guilt, fear and remorse, with acceptance and restlessness both at the same time.
Infact, already at the start of our 2 week stint, I had almost felt ashamed for not having worked on my passion/ business idea while here I was hoping to be with someone who had earned his first fortune while in school itself. So I started working on my pet project finally after so many years of procrastination.
But by the end of our Final and Only Date, my consciousness had reached an all-time high - even as I left, knowing we would probably never meet again, there was still a sense of deep attainment instead of remorse about the End.
A sleepless night ensued, where I cried and recollected and reflected and gathered courage till the morning sun rose. I got up to do the unthinkable - to divulge a deep secret about my life to my mother that I had hidden for over years. I had woken up to the deep sense of responsibility to my own life's happiness, a realisation of how my life had always been driven by the option of flight vs fight - how escaping from the pain and grief had really never escaped me. I was still right there dealing with life just the way I had a decade back. So I dared to face the consequences and spoke to my mother. To my amazement, she understood. Maybe it is always only about taking the small step, trying a little bit more before giving up on people close to you.
Amidst this deep discovery of my own life's essence, there was a numbing pain - of the realisation that my dream had eventually broken. We had already met and parted. He had already delivered his purpose in my life, and I would forever remain grateful.
But the pain knew no bounds when the epitome of calm told me his reason for apprehension in me, in 'Us' - No, it wasn't because I was an insignificant spec compared to his world - but rather because he apprehended that my passionate business venture based in India would become the concern and he wasn't willing to take the risk. In that moment, I stared on, baffled at the folly of fate, as here was the man of everyone's dreams moving away from me because of the passion that he himself instilled in me. I didn't even believe in a passionate own venture until I heard his tales.
Hence I scrambled, scurrying for reasons that could explain to him that he would anyday matter way more to me, that all I ever wanted was a loving husband like him and lovely kids to raise. But all I managed was to annoy him instead, by writing something rude.
Hence, the ending was sealed in stone. No apologies or forgiveness could draw a path back. The date remained my first and most unique retreat for life.
